Articles

Are You Effective with Your Narcissistic Colleagues?

March 14, 2018 (Number 74) People sometimes complain to me of coworkers they view as puffed-up and egotistical.  "He's SO full of himself," they may grouse.  Or, "She sucks all the air out of the room."

The psychological term that describes this type of highly self-involved and boastful personality is narcissism.  Frequently, individuals with such a disposition are public figures – and some can also gravitate towards executive roles.  After all, they hunger for the types of attention these positions afford them.

Does a person or two fitting this description exist in your life?  Before rushing to judge them, ask if you would rather understand why they are this way – and how you can effectively deal with them.  If that interests you, contemplate these tips:

• First, consider that narcissism is the very opposite of what it appears to be.  In fact, it's a state of feeling terribly deficient.  The condition is so painful that people afflicted with it cover up their feelings of utter inadequacy and desperately try to convince themselves and others that they instead possess extraordinary attributes and abilities.  The result is a highly tenuous self-esteem that must be constantly pumped up.  The appropriate emotional response to such people is therefore not contempt, but compassion.

• Next, observe how some individuals pull on you to gratify their narcissistic needs for validation.  When people are hungry like this, feed them.  For example, you might say to a coworker – if doing so feels authentic – "That's a great idea!"  Providing this quality of support lubricates your working relationships.  Just maintain appropriate boundaries and don't go so far that you feel used.

• Finally, recognize that nearly everyone has some degree of narcissism.  So be on the lookout for your own.  For example, have you noticed you sometimes can't resist the urge to parade your intelligence a bit?  Consider if you’d act this way if you were more securely aware of your actual capacities.

Just under the surface, all kinds of dynamics are continuously playing out within and between people.  Narcissism is just one of them.  If you remain alert to these rumblings within yourself and others, and respond with compassion, you will enjoy a deep sense of mastery and poise.  And your effectiveness at work – and in your personal life – will be far greater.


Dean Herman, Ph.D.