Articles
Are You Fooling Yourself About Your Relationships?
September 10, 2013 (Number 49) As a psychologist and executive coach, I've observed how vital relationships are for leaders' success. Therefore, early in each engagement, I ask my clients about the quality of their connections — particularly when I'm detecting there may be problems.I've been a little startled to find how often their answers reflect a comfortable distance from reality.
"I think they're pretty much fine," they might say. Or, more bluntly, "I don't have time to worry about that." But then I start digging a little deeper — and typically discover all kinds of damage my client has been intent on not seeing.
For example, I often find that some of my client's key peers or employees have deliberately decided to be quite guarded in what they share with her. Or that my client has habits that trigger irritation — or mistrust — in other people which they then openly talk about, contaminating his reputation.
Might people be having reactions to you that you're not aware of? A crucial hint is others not responding to you in the ways you want and need.
If you decide that the quality of your relationships could be worth looking into, consider these tips:
- Identify two or three colleagues who are socially plugged in and whom you trust to be direct and honest with you. Then pull each of them aside, tell them you need their help and ask, "How are people perceiving me?" Add, "I'm sure there are things I'm not seeing."
- Observe how your fears keep you in the dark. For example, if you paid attention while reading the preceding suggestion, you most likely noticed an immediate, visceral fear reaction. Noticing the fear is what allows you to act despite that emotion.
- Also notice how people seem to react in your presence. Observe their tone, posture and facial expressions. Notice also your own feelings at such times — because, due to how we're wired, that may be a reflection of how these people are feeling about you.
Dean Herman, Ph.D.
