Articles

Being Vulnerable Makes You More Powerful

November 13, 2013 (Number 51) Many years ago, I used to think that showing vulnerability was a very bad idea.  A friend of mine back then once kindly volunteered, "But Dean, if you're vulnerable, it will actually make you more powerful."  I shot back, "That makes absolutely no sense to me!"

Fortunately for me — and for many people in my life — I came to develop a different perspective.

The logic is simple.  As everyone has their personal flaws and challenges, when we acknowledge some of our own, people can much more relate to us.  They'll happily think, "Hey, he's kind of like me!"  We therefore become more likeable, more approachable and more able to get others' support.

If, on the other hand, we insist on presenting ourselves as nearly flawless, we'll activate people's underlying, nearly universal feelings of inadequacy and they'll feel threatened by us.  Naturally, their support will then be much less forthcoming.

Don't take my word for it.  Try your own experiments:

• Starting with less risky topics and with colleagues you feel closer to, try acknowledging some of your foibles or a couple of your interpersonal or work-related insecurities.  For example, a powerful executive once told me with a smile, "I actually feel pretty awkward socially."  It was very disarming — and paradoxically displayed her confidence in being that self-revealing.

• Showing vulnerability in making requests is especially helpful.  Another senior leader I know often tells his people, with great sincerity, "I really need your help."  So he's simultaneously vulnerable while making his staff feel highly valued.  It's quite effective.  Imagine the quality of engagement this leader would elicit if he instead issued commands like, "This needs to be done by Thursday."

• Of course, gauge your remarks for your audience.  For example, saying something poignant like, "Deep down, I've often worried that no one would ever truly love me" (which is not an uncommon feeling at all) might be a powerful way of building closer connections in your personal life.  But it probably wouldn't go over so well at work.

Are you feeling a bit reluctant to try some of these experiments?  That's only natural.  But if you dare to take these risks in being more vulnerable, you'll be surprised by the freedom, connectedness and relational impact that provides you.

Did you know that electronic versions of my book, Four Portals to Power, are available for Kindles, iPads and other tablets?  The PDF version allows you to cut text and diagrams from the book and paste them directly on your desktop — or in your calendar — as crucial reminders.  Click here to get the right eBook version for your needs!


Dean Herman, Ph.D.