Articles

Do You Get What People Are Trying to Tell You?

August 17, 2010 (Number 12) Are you aware that people are frequently sending you signals that contain crucial information for you?  Often, it's intended you'll use these subtle messages to improve your relationship with the sender.  Yet, many leaders I've encountered are oblivious to these communications.  Could that be the case for you, too?

What impact might that be having on your relationships — and on your power?

For example, an executive I was consulting to once told me, "Call me whenever you need me."  I looked at him, puzzled.  When he laughed, I realized he was "coaching" me on what he wanted me to say to him.  People will deliberately guide you in this way, but more often, they do it unconsciously.

Typically, the unconscious communication is even less direct.  In my book, I tell the story of an executive whose colleague began telling him about her oppressive father.  I helped him realize she was commenting on how she was actually experiencing him.

Do you want to start taking in all this intelligence available to you?  If so, try these approaches:

• Pay attention.  People can't help but somehow convey the truth.  There seems to be an inherent human need to do so.  Therefore, despite their best efforts to cover it up, it will leak out in their words, their jokes and especially their facial expressions.  Some of this information may be disturbing, but it's always useful.

• Indicate you received the message — without being intrusive.  The best approach is usually a soft one.  Asking, for example, "Are you angry at me?" is unlikely to be effective.  Try instead something like, "I'm wondering how I could be a better business partner for you."

• Be on guard against even the slightest defensiveness within you.  It will be amplified ten-fold by your audience and will slam the door on their willingness to share more data.

So much information is available to you if you will only open to it.  Being comfortably oblivious does not serve you.  Instead, be alert and you will be amazed at what you discover. 


Dean Herman