Articles

Do You See in Others What’s Really in You?

February 17, 2011 (Number 18) I once worked with an executive who bitterly resented a group of her colleagues.  "They're full of themselves and just focused on expanding their own kingdoms," she complained to me.  "Really?," I asked.  I was curious.  So I went off and interviewed several of these individuals myself.  When I presented my findings to this executive, she was astonished to find that these colleagues were using nearly identical language to describe her!

As we explored further, my client finally came to the disconcerting conclusion that it was really she, much more than they, who was "showing up" as egotistical and intent on expanding the reach of her control.  Not wanting to see these characteristics within herself, she was "seeing" them in others.

We psychologists call this projection.  It is exceedingly common, done without awareness and destroys myriad relationships.

Might you also be imagining disowned parts of yourself in other people?  What impact might that be having on your capacity to build the relationships you need?  What impact might it be having on your power?

To protect yourself from the very real dangers of projection, consider these tips:

• Think of the people you strongly disapprove of or "just don't like."  Then get curious.  Ask yourself, "What, exactly, is the characteristic that I think I'm seeing in this person?"  And then ask, "Am I certain he's that way?"  Add, "Even if he has that quality, do I sense — or fear — I have some of it, too?"

• A very common form of projection is people having critical, judgmental thoughts about themselves and imagining that others have the same judgments about them.  Look closely, and you will very likely discover yourself engaged in this same self-destructive habit.

• Positive characteristics are often projected as well.  When you notice yourself admiring someone, consider whether what you're seeing in that person is actually part of yourself.  Perhaps they are latent qualities within you, waiting to be further developed.

Given your human nature, you are likely projecting — and therefore living in a world that's partly just your imagination.  Do you see how that can impede you?  Commit to "taking back" your projections and owning them.  When you know yourself and take responsibility for all that's inside you, you are most powerful.


Dean Herman