Articles

Does Someone at Work Torment You?

February 12, 2014 (Number 54) Do you feel a bit vexed, or even intimidated, by the conduct of your boss or somebody else in your workplace?  That's not unusual.  But have you ever wondered why this person acts this way?

It's never as simple as your colleague being "a bad person."  In fact, the issue is often that individual's underlying insecurities — perhaps combined with your own self-protection.  An illuminating example is a client of mine who was rattled after his boss bellowed at him, "I don't know what the hell you're about!  How can I trust you?"

I suggested to my client that despite their hierarchical relationship, his boss was likely feeling quite unsafe with him.  Otherwise, he would not have spoken in that manner.  I recommended, therefore, that my client be much more open and even vulnerable with this executive — which, of course, was exactly the opposite of his inclination.

But in their next difficult interaction, my client heeded my advice, actually to an extent that I hadn't imagined.  He exclaimed, "Sometimes, you scare the crap out of me!"

His boss responded, "Well, you scare me, too!"

Then followed an animated conversation where the relationship became, by meeting's end, far more transparent — and dramatically closer.

Is it possible that you, too, have more to understand about the difficult people in your life?  Might they, like my client's boss, also feel threatened — including possibly by you?

To explore further, consider these tips:

• Identify several of your difficult relationships (work and personal ones) and for each, ask yourself, "If this person were truly confident and feeling safe and secure, would she be acting in this way?"  And then consider, "Might my judgments or actions have intensified her insecurity?"

• Next, to counteract the other person's felt vulnerability (and , deep down, possibly hurt feelings), consider being vulnerable yourself.  For example, you might say, "I've been wanting a better working relationship between us, but I've been worried you might not want that with me."  It's just this degree of bold and open-hearted self-revelation that dislodges stuckness in connections.

Do these exercises and you'll discover that your strength isn't in your toughness — or in your studied evasiveness.  Rather, it's in your capacity to be utterly authentic, so that people deeply trust you.

Dean Herman, Ph.D.