Articles

Does Work Seem Like a Dysfunctional Family?

January 13, 2011 (Number 17) Have you ever been part of a team at work that felt a bit like a dysfunctional family?  Perhaps the team members were squabbling like jealous siblings.  And perhaps the leader seemed like an all -powerful father or a hard-to-please mother focused on her favorite child — which may or may not have been you.

If none of this is resonating yet, look closer.  Do you notice how some of your team members, or other colleagues, annoy you — almost by their very existence?  Or how others make you feel a little threatened?  And as you reflect on your typical reactions to these people, does any of this remind you of challenging aspects of your relationships with parents or siblings long ago?

Consider whether you might be unwittingly recreating many of these unhappy dynamics — or at least colluding in their perpetuation.  By applying the following approaches, you'll ensure your greater freedom, and preserve your power.

• If you read this article, you already know how you can automatically repeat patterns of interaction that you adopted early in life.  Now take it deeper.  Ask, "What are the beliefs that drive these patterns?"  For example, if you are hypercompetitive with peers, you might discover an underlying belief that "there's not enough to go around" and you have to grab whatever you can.  Assess whether these beliefs are still valid.

• Next, notice how you see certain people as if they are individuals from your early family life.  This mechanism is exceedingly common.  Psychologists call it transference.  For example, you may experience your demanding boss as if he were your father — or an ambitious team member as your aggressive older sibling.  Observe how these distortions ensnare you in power-depleting behaviors.

• Finally, watch how your colleagues unconsciously try to pull you into their own transferences, and into reenactments of their old patterns.  Suspect this is happening whenever anyone is being a bit "weird" with you.  At such times, refuse to play out the role your colleague is trying to assign you.

Viewing people through a distorted lens and reacting reflexively cripples your effectiveness and causes much needless suffering.  Challenge yourself to see people as they actually are, not as you imagine them.  Then watch your relationships, and your impact, improve dramatically.


Dean Herman