Articles

Grasp This and Change Your Life

November 16, 2010 (Number 15) Have you noticed you have a particular complaint about people that you're fond of reciting?  Perhaps it's, "People are so incompetent."  Or, "Everyone just cares about themselves."  Or, somewhat more harshly, "People will screw you every chance they get."

Could it be that your pronouncements don't reflect the actual reality, but a reality you're repetitively recreating?

A senior leader recently confided in me, with quite some frustration, that "my peers just don't 'come through' for me."  To determine what was really going on, I interviewed in depth a number of her colleagues.  When she read the interview results, she found them rather disturbing.

This executive came to realize that in many ways, she was setting up her colleagues to disappoint her.  Deep inside, she was working hard to confirm her beliefs about other people.

Might you also be living in a self-created reality that limits you?  If you want your freedom back, follow these steps:

• To discover your automatic patterns of relating, ask yourself, "How do I tend to see other people?"  "How do I usually see myself in relation to them?"  Words such as "always," "never" and "just" are important clues.  For example, "People are just never truthful with me."

• Now go deeper.  Look to see how you are pulling people to play the roles you've assigned them in your worldview.  This requires you to resist your tendencies to blame others and view yourself as the helpless target of others' failings.  This takes great courage — and self-compassion.

• Take it one step further.  See how you actually play both sides of the pattern.  Usually, you're on one side, but notice how you sometimes play the other role as well.  That's how it generally works.  For example, the above executive was astonished to find that many of her peers had nearly exactly the same complaints about her that she had about them.

This issue's title states that you can change your life.  Are you ready for that right now?  Observe the patterns that have been suffocating you and vow to free yourself from them.  In doing so, you will benefit yourself — and all those you touch — greatly.

Dean Herman