Articles
Heal ANY Relationship
March 12, 2013 (Number 43) In my book, I tell the story of a rather competitive colleague of mine who, many years ago, laughingly belittled my work at a client reception, in front of a number of international guests. As you can imagine, I was not happy about her conduct.But she fully redeemed herself at the event's breakfast that next morning, and in a way that most impressed me. She walked right up to me, looked me in the eye, apologized, and then went further. "I realize," she said, "I have a caustic streak in my personality and that you probably find it offensive. I don't like it myself and I'm working hard to change it. Please tell me if you ever see me acting that way again." My anger all but vanished right there in the moment.
This approach worked so well partly because my colleague was so open and real with me. She was confident and powerful in her statements, yet also vulnerable. But the vulnerability only made her stronger.
Do you have any professional or personal relationships that could also use some mending? If so, here are the approach's ingredients so that you can use it, too:
- Acknowledgment. Openly acknowledge your conduct that potentially harmed your relationship. If the conduct is part of a larger pattern, own that as well.
- Impact. Explicitly recognize the impact of your behavior on the other person. For example, "I realize it must frustrate you that I tend to dismiss your ideas at our staff meetings." Acknowledging people's emotions tends to defuse them.
- Commitment. State your resolve to change your behavior. Say, for example, "I'm really going to try to change this." Even more powerful is your unequivocal commitment as in, "I am committed to changing this."
- Feedback. Ask your colleague, spouse or friend to tell you whenever she observes you returning to your old behavioral pattern. For example, "Please tell me whenever you notice me doing that again."
Dean Herman
