Articles

How Do People Respond To You?

September 17, 2009 (Number 1) As a psychologist, I've had the good fortune to consult to hundreds of leaders.  Sometimes, they complain to me about people they work with.  They may label them as "incompetent" or "ineffective."  Frequently, they seem to take pleasure in voicing their complaints.  I worry, though, if they may be giving away their power.

I'll often ask, "Could you be playing a role in bringing about this conduct?"  It's one of my favorite questions. 

If you understand why your colleague is acting as he does, you may then be able to change his behavior.  This gives you more power.  So when you're displeased with others' conduct, consider taking these steps:

• First, ask yourself, "What negative emotion may be causing this person to act as she does?"  Typically, ineffective or disappointing behavior is driven by feelings of fear, inadequacy or anger.  For example, when a peer is missing deadlines, it is often due to his feelings of self-doubt — or due to his resentments.

• Second, ask, "What is my colleague seeing or believing that is triggering these feelings in her?"  People's negative emotions arise from how they perceive things.  Most of these perceptions are distorted and irrational — but for them, it's reality.

• Third, ask yourself, "What might I have done to trigger these perceptions?"  This is where it gets difficult.  We don't like to see how our actions have activated others' fears, resentments and feelings of unworthiness.  For example, you may find your habit of questioning others' activities is causing some of them to see you as attacking and belittling — and that may be triggering a number of unfavorable responses.

So keep in mind this sequence of how you may be creating your own reality:
Your Actions >> Colleague's Perceptions >> Colleague's Emotions >> Colleague's Reactions.

Dean Herman