Articles
How Real, in the Eyes of Others, Are You?
May 14, 2013 (Number 45) A seasoned executive testily complained to me recently about a couple of members of her staff. "They give me polite answers instead of telling me what they really feel. So I have to guess what's actually going on with them. How, then, can I ever trust them?"Could it be that people occasionally have similar reactions to you? Of course, it's often good to be "diplomatic," but might you at times be too withholding of your feelings?
After all, people connect through emotion, not logic. And those around you can probably detect much of what you're feeling anyway. Your hiding it unsettles them.
But how do you convey your feelings, especially if they're negative, in a way that enhances your relationships rather than harming them? Consider these tips:
- Before you voice your emotions, ask if the other person is open to hearing you. E.g., "I have a gut-level reaction to your suggestion. Do you want to hear what it is?" The question prepares the listener and carves out the necessary space for you in the interaction.
- Balance out your remarks. Being consumed by your emotions only telegraphs you are entirely self-interested and therefore inherently untrustworthy. So instead, acknowledge your emotions while also displaying your concern for the other person's interests. For example, "I realize your project is important and I want to support it, but I'm very worried about neglecting our other priorities."
- Understate your stronger emotions, especially your anger, so that you're not experienced as threatening. For example, instead of stating, "I'm furious," it's usually enough to say, "I'm kind of frustrated." People will get what you mean.
- Notice that all these elements involve your speaking from a larger, "30,000-foot" perspective. You are speaking about rather than from within your emotions. I call this powerful approach — instinctively used by many executives — metacommunication. You can learn more about it in my book.
Dean Herman
