Articles

Might You Be Scaring People?

July 7, 2015 (Number 64) An executive I spoke with some time ago complained to me that his subordinates were "avoiding" him.  "Why do people avoid me?," he demanded, adding a little volume to ensure I was getting his message.

"Could it be they're afraid of you?," I asked.

"Well, I expect a little interpersonal courage from my team," he retorted.  "Anyway," he added, "if people are doing their jobs, they have nothing to worry about."

This executive was a bit more obvious than most in his fear-inducing style.  But a great many people default to using some degree of force or threat, however indirect, to get their way.

Might this sometimes describe your approach?

The problem with it is when you're experienced as a threat, you'll activate the primitive limbic system inside people's brains.  As the neuroscience research shows, this can shut down individuals' abilities to think clearly and take them into subtle or more pronounced states of fight, flight or freeze.

The "fight" response may arise as seething, hidden resentment — or as a disguised attack.  The "flight" may emerge as passive resistance.  And the "freeze" can manifest as a genuinely impaired capacity to engage meaningfully.

Are these the types of reactions you want to be triggering in the people you depend on?  To create a more favorable impact, consider the following:

• First, be adamantly vigilant in your self-awareness.  Notice how you feel when you are about to try to compel someone to do anything.  Are the burgeoning tensions in your body signaling you're about to be interpersonally effective — or the opposite?

• Next, try something different.  Instead of creating fear in others, express your own worry — and then say, "I need your help."  This authenticity mixed with some degree of vulnerability can be remarkably effective.

• More broadly, rather than using even an indirect form of the "push," "do-it-or-else" leadership style, experiment with a pull-oriented, inspirational style that invites people to be part of something greater than their separate selves.  See Chapter 10 of my book for the how-to details.

When you act so that people want to support you rather than feeling they have to, you will be far more effective — as a leader and as a human being.

Dean Herman, Ph.D.