Articles

Saying the Right Thing is Killing You

February 10, 2015 (Number 62) A human resources VP at a large technology company recently asked me about my executive coaching services.  To ensure I'd be "a good fit" for his organization, and perhaps concerned about my being a psychologist, he sternly warned, "We're not at all touchy-feely here."

"In fact," he added, "people here are only concerned about each other when that's necessary for getting something done."

In years past, I might have politely explained how I'd carefully adapt my approach to the culture, cautious not to say anything that might perturb the interviewer.  I can't say I ever found that somewhat timid approach particularly effective — or personally satisfying.

So I point-blank told this HR leader my belief that the depersonalized aspects of his company culture were most likely greatly hampering its performance.

A most productive conversation soon followed.  More importantly, I left the dialogue with my deepest levels of integrity fully intact.  And I knew the HR VP had come to trust me.

Have you also fallen into the trap of trying too hard to say "the right thing"?  Are you sure that's really helping you?  Generally, people can detect when you're saying what you truly believe and feel — and when you're not.  And their trust of you will rise or fall accordingly.

Trust, more than anything else, is what builds relationships.  And as we know, success in business is primarily about relationships.

But how can you speak your truth skillfully, without undue negative consequences?

• First, prepare the listener so that you don't shock her nervous system and trigger a negative reaction.  For example, you might say, "I have a somewhat unique view on this.  Do you want to hear what it is?"

• After voicing your perspectives, invite a dialogue.  For example, "I'm curious how this lands for you."

• Throughout the conversation, notice if you're emotionally activated.  If at any time you are, follow this prior article’s guidance for adroitly managing your emotions, lest you trigger parallel negative states in your listener.

When you hide what you really believe, you're essentially, and silently, murdering parts of yourself.  Do you think that kind of half-aliveness serves you?  Choose instead to skillfully speak your truth — and discover for yourself the abundant rewards that provides you.

Of course, sometimes implementing the approaches I advise involves more nuance and complexity than I can cover in my articles.  But you don't have to figure everything out by yourself.  Contact me for a free consultation.  I'm happy to talk things through with you.


Dean Herman, Ph.D.