Articles
Speak Your Truth or Live a Life Divided
September 12, 2012 (Number 37) I attended a social event recently where the hostess somewhat harshly rebuked me for momentarily speaking with a server. "You're impairing the help's efficiency," she testily complained. I was taken aback. Silently angry at her, I vowed to keep our relationship more distant in the future.But as the evening progressed, this resolution wasn't feeling right for me. I felt contracted and somehow, not in integrity within myself. So at evening's end, I approached the hostess and diplomatically told her my experience of our conversation. I felt a bit vulnerable doing so, but far more whole — and back in my power. For her part, she was falling all over herself trying to apologize.
Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation — including in your professional life? Especially in that context, it's crucial that you speak up. When you express to your colleague, or to your boss, your emotional reactions to her conduct, you are more whole and will feel more complete — and you will therefore be more capable.
Moreover, people can sense when they've crossed a boundary with you. When you verbalize that, you uphold your value rather than betraying it.
These types of communications require some adroitness, especially in business settings. Consider, then, these tips:
- Delay speaking until your emotional activation has subsided. That way, your message can be "clean" and supremely professional.
- Don't criticize or label your colleague's conduct. Simply mention your understated emotional reaction to it. Likely, your message will be plenty amplified and "get through." And if your reaction was anger, identify your underlying emotions such as feelings of hurt or offense. Acknowledging these emotions can be a delicate matter in professional contexts, so instead use terms such as "surprised" or "a bit unsettled" that will astutely allude to your stronger feelings.
- Make a simple request about how you'd like your colleague to handle the triggering situation in the future. For example, I told the hostess, "Next time you have a concern, would you be willing to express it in more neutral language?"
Dean Herman
