Articles

Stand Up To Your Boss — Or You Both Lose (Part 2)

March 18, 2014 (Number 55) I've been concerned hearing many stories from clients lately about their bosses' treatment of them.  Although these clients are high performers, their bosses' incessant demands often cross the line and become oppressive and even demeaning.

For example, people tell me about getting many terse, insistent emails late at night or on weekends.  Or their bosses may speak to them in a tone that is impatient and belittling.  Has anything like this been happening to you?

My last article addressed part of the solution.  There, I mentioned the importance of demonstrating vulnerability — to match the heightened vulnerability the boss is likely feeling.  But more than just that is needed.

Read carefully, as this may save your job — or help you find a better one:

• When people are mistreated, they often subtly collapse into an image of themselves as inept and as almost deserving the ill treatment.  This invites more of the same — and is frequently an automatic replay of how one once felt as a child.  Be vigilant in protecting yourself from falling into this hole.  Don't blame yourself for your boss's bad behavior.

• An effective response to bullying is to push back — without the tiniest bit of judgment, but with an absolute and calm presence.  You might say, for example, with great composure, "You're raising your voice and it's making me uncomfortable."  Much more powerful — and sometimes necessary — is, "Do you want me to find another job?"  Often, the bully will be startled by the response he or she has activated and will back down.

• Overall, people acting like bullies are frequently unaware of the negative impact they're having.  They need someone to wake them up.  Sharing your emotional experience will often do the trick.  That's why saying something like "you're scaring me" — see my article, Does Someone at Work Torment You? — can be so effective.  Then you can calmly add, "Please just tell me what you need from me."

When people come into positions of power and simultaneously experience great stress, they can easily slip into a bullying role.  So you need not condemn them for this.  But it's essential that you push back and awaken them from their pattern — for your own good AND for the good of the bully.

Dean Herman, Ph.D.