Articles

Talk About (Almost) ANYTHING

April 15, 2010 (Number 8) Executives often tell me nagging concerns they have about their colleagues.  They'll complain, for example, "He always seems to be competing with me."  Or, "She says one thing and then does something else."  Or, even, "I just don't trust him."

When I suggest to my clients that they discuss these issues with the very colleagues who vex them, they often protest, "I don't know if I can do that."  These otherwise imposing leaders are giving away their power.

Do you fall into this bad habit too?  Are you squashing your voice and silently stewing in the tension that creates within you?  Perhaps you fear negative emotional reactions that may be difficult to handle.  But by using the following approaches, you can safely speak up and take your relationships to whole new levels of mutual respect and candor. 

• As you introduce the difficult topic, speak positively about your connection with your colleague.  This reduces his discomfort and helps ensure a positive outcome.  So you might say (if you truly mean it), "I really respect you."  Or, "Our relationship is important to me and I want it to be even better."

• To forestall your colleague's defensiveness, first suggest your contribution to the problem.  E.g., "I'm sure there are things about myself I could improve.  What could I be doing differently?"  Remember, nearly all problems between people are co-created.

• Only after these steps, ask your colleague if she's willing to hear your suggestions.  For example, "I have some thoughts on what you might do differently.  Do you want to hear them?"

• After you have spoken about specific actions, ask for her reaction.  Say, "I want to hear your perspective."  This signals your respect — and enables you to respond to any distorted perceptions or hurt feelings.

Practice this combination of boldness and sensitivity and you will find you can talk about almost anything.  And you will notice the surging sense of freedom this provides you.  When you reclaim your voice, you reclaim your power. 

Dean Herman