Articles

The Lies You Tell Yourself

January 14, 2014 (Number 53) As a psychologist and executive coach, I've noticed that people often say things to themselves they want to be true, but which seem to me almost certainly not true.

This self-deception frequently involves one's own feelings.  For example, do you remember ever making any statements like the following?  And upon reflection, do you see they may not have always been quite true?

• "I don't care what she thinks about me."

• "I don't really have any problem with self-confidence."

• "My boss can be critical at times, but it doesn't bother me."

• "I hardly ever get angry."

These innocent, little lies are meant to protect ourselves from experiencing some difficult emotions.  But this self-deception is a bit tragic because when we deny our own emotions, we squelch much of our passion.  And we get out of touch with ourselves — and with other people.

At such times, we also forfeit the opportunity that emotions provide us to become aware of, and change, the circumstances triggering these feelings.

Do you think it may benefit you to better know your own experience?  If so, consider these tips:

• Start gently challenging yourself to take a moment — such as after an encounter with a difficult person or situation — and ask, "What emotions am I feeling right now?"  Importantly, simply observe and accept, rather than judge, any feelings you notice.

• Next, ask, "How might I respond wisely to these emotions?"  It's true that automatically reacting to your negative emotions is rarely helpful.  But your feelings are an expression of your life energy and provide you crucial information.  Thoughtfully responding to them can dramatically enhance your positive impact — and your life satisfaction.  For example, you may realize you need to assert a boundary or take action to improve an important relationship.

As it turns out, we human beings are far more vulnerable than we like to think — so much so that we're often afraid to feel our own emotions.  But when you come to know your emotions rather than denying them, you will be more integrated.  And then, being more whole, you will enjoy far greater capacity.

Dean Herman, Ph.D.