Articles
The Myth of the Uncoachable Leader
June 24, 2014 (Number 58) A coach I was advising recently complained to me that one of his clients was "clearly uncoachable.""Why do you say that?," I asked.
"Because," he said with obvious annoyance in his voice, "he's highly resistant to changing."
Based on this coach's mindset, I knew the coaching engagement couldn't be other than in deep trouble. That was confirmed as I heard of several instances where the coach pushed his client to do things the client just didn't want to do.
This coach didn't yet understand why pretty much all people reflexively resist change. It's because they hear requests for change as pronouncements that their prior conduct has been inadequate or otherwise "wrong." This naturally triggers resentment — which people act on via their resistance — and distressing, underlying self-doubts.
Indeed, individuals often think, albeit irrationally, that they can't change in the ways being asked of them.
As this coach further discovered with me, he was making matters worse, as many coaches do, by acting on his own feelings of inadequacy exacerbated by his client's lack of progress. Specifically, he was pushing his client even harder, thereby generating yet more client self-doubt and resentment. It was a painful cycle destroying the coaching relationship.
But have your experiences been any more positive when telling someone opposed to changing — say, a family member — that they should change?
So how can you effectively handle such a situation?
- To get anyone to change, first come over to their side of the fence, see the world through their eyes and show you really "get it." This way, you'll be seen more as an ally.
- To protect the coaching client (or whoever you're advising) from feelings of unworthiness — what I call false shame — show how her challenges directly flow from her strengths. For example, an executive's abrasive pushiness can be framed as coming from her urgent desire to make things better in her company.
- Overall, ensure that every increment of even indirectly painful feedback in the coaching is counterbalanced by at least three times as much communication from you that's experienced as affirming and uplifting.
If the people you're coaching or managing aren't changing, contact me for a free consultation. I've found that impediments to significant personal change can usually be resolved.
Dean Herman, Ph.D.
