Articles
The Secret Desires of Those Who Oppress You
June 7, 2016 (Number 68) Is someone at work, or in any other part of your life, mistreating you? You probably already know that it’s essential for your self-respect – as well as for how others perceive your value – that you never accept any ill treatment.Yet the great majority of people, including otherwise powerful executives, seem almost helpless when it comes to adeptly responding to oppressive conduct in their bosses and others. Often, they react in hidden and passive ways, such as by trying to avoid the offending personality. But that usually only makes matters worse.
So what, exactly, can you do? Consider these tips:
- If you're confident that you haven't triggered your colleague by any offensive conduct on your part, her mistreatment of you probably has its roots in her early years – specifically, in childhood trauma. Such trauma arises from abusive or otherwise very hurtful acts that are overwhelming for the child. This type of injury is exceedingly common in people's personal histories and it generates mountains of tension and anger. And unfortunately, it is frequently reenacted in the workplace, with the former victim now becoming the one misusing power.
- It's a fundamental law of human nature: People are generally only unkind to the extent people have been unkind to them. So part of what is required is compassion. It will naturally arise within you when you allow yourself to imagine what your coworker has been through that would trigger such inherently toxic behavior. Importantly, your compassion will keep you unruffled when your colleague is provocative.
- Next, blend your compassion with definitive self-assertion where you make your boundaries absolutely clear. For example, you might say with quiet composure, "You're talking down to me and it's making me uncomfortable.” Then calmly and directly add something like, “Tell me what you need and I'll do my best to support you." See this article for more specific how-to details.
Dean Herman, Ph.D.
