Articles

Why Aren’t People More Cooperative?

December 15, 2009 (Number 4) Have you ever felt let down by a colleague's lukewarm support of you?  Or disappointed when people didn't come through for you?  Did you then conclude, with resignation, "I guess that's just the way he is"?  Or, more bitterly, did you say to yourself, "Just wait until she wants something from me"?

Instead of reacting emotionally, you will be more powerful if you understand why your colleague was unwilling to do more for you.  Most likely, he was not feeling positively enough about you.  The way people feel as a result of their interactions with you largely determines how they respond to you.

Bear in mind that nearly everyone has a twin set of pressing emotional needs.  The first is for recognition of their value.  The second is for caring.  When you personally meet such crucial needs for others, they will have strongly positive reactions to you.  And then they'll want to support you.

So consider being emotionally generous by using these approaches — and then observe the powerful results that follow:

• Don't just acknowledge your colleagues and friends for their contributions, but also tell them about their particular strengths that make them each unique as a person.  Let them know you see their special value — so that they can see it, too.  People hunger to be seen in this way that honors them..  

• Express your heartfelt gratitude.  For example, could you say with utmost sincerity, "Your help has meant so much to me"?  Or, "I am really grateful"?  Your coworkers will be deeply moved by your authentic recognition of them, even when they dare not show their feelings.

• Ask your colleagues not just about work matters, but about other important parts of their lives, too.  Then show how much you care by listening to their answers with exquisite attention.

People so desire these forms of emotional nourishment, yet so many go wanting.  When people are hungry, feed them.  Especially consider this when it costs you so little and benefits you — and others — so greatly.

Happy Holidays,
Dean Herman