Articles

Why Won’t You Stop Giving Away Your Power?

September 15, 2010 (Number 13) Do you sometimes complain that you're "just" having a bad day?  Or you're "just" not feeling confident — or that somebody has "made" you angry?  Could it be that you actually have more of a choice in such situations about how feel — and especially in how you act?

When you are blown about this way and that by your internal states, what impact, do you think, does that have on your sense of your own power?  What impact does it have on people's willingness to trust you?

I was crossing the street the other day when an unhappy driver tried to share some of his unhappiness with me.  In past years, I might have capitulated to his angry, shouted words by using similar language of my own.  But this time, I simply observed the driver's agitation, and an anger that began to arise within me — and then subside.  I was pleased I'd stayed in my power. 

It's one thing to stay self-possessed in anonymous interactions on the street.  But what happens when you're dealing with a dismissive colleague or a hypercritical boss — or an angry spouse?  Try these tips for holding your power and then watch what happens:

• Observe how some people, through the sheer force of their personalities, are actually able to pull others out of their own negative states into something more positive.  Try exercising your own "gravitational force" to pull people into your emotional orbit.  But remember to be only moderately more positive than those around you.  If you overdo it, you'll be experienced as irritating.

• When you fall into states of powerlessness, see if you can detect the part of you that finds that almost comfortable.  This is entirely natural.  We all spent our early, formative years being small and helpless, so we can gravitate back towards that state.  It's in some ways an easier place to be.  (And that's the answer to the question in this issue's title.)  But is that what you really want for yourself?

You need not live in an unhappy place of self-imposed restriction.  Choose instead to be exquisitely alert at every moment so that you don't give away your power — to your emotions or to other people.


Dean Herman