Articles
You Can't Change Without Self-Compassion
January 11, 2012 (Number 29) As a psychologist who makes his living by facilitating significant change in leaders, I've become very curious about what triggers transformation — and what blocks it. I've found that a necessary ingredient for meaningful change is in-depth self-awareness.For example, I worked with an executive who always had to be the smartest person in every meeting. To change, she first needed to know the things she said, and how she said them, that telegraphed her need to appear intellectually superior. Second, she had to learn how her behavior impacted others (people felt inadequate and resentful and consequently withheld their cooperation from her) and third, she needed to see why she acted these ways. In her case, it was because she secretly felt deficient and was trying to "make up" for those feelings.
Although this executive found all that information quite useful, can you imagine how it might have been initially disturbing? Whenever we really see our dysfunctional behavior patterns, it's easy to start feeling a little embarrassed — and even ashamed. That's why so many people shy away from efforts to change. They want to avoid feeling badly.
So just as we ensure our clients view their current shortcomings from a perspective of compassion rather than self-condemnation, it's essential you do the same in your own change efforts. In fact, you probably won't transform very much absent abundant self-compassion.
The following pointers will help:
- Anticipate that you'll experience uncomfortable emotions when you come face-to-face with your old, bad habits. It's normal to wince when we see the errors of our ways. Know these feelings are only temporary and will soon pass. Don't let them stop you from growing.
- As you discover your mistakes, be careful not to "punish" yourself through harsh self-criticism (such as, "I'm such an idiot!"). Simply seeing the consequences of your errors is "punishment" enough.
- Hold an attitude of grandmotherly patience and kind acceptance toward your struggles. When you notice you've fallen into an old pattern, you can say to yourself in a friendly tone, "Wow, changing this is hard for me!" And then recommit to your transformation.
Dean Herman
